Day 17: Time To Go

Evening everyone,

Today was the big day. Now when I say big day most may think of it as a positive day, but it was far from positive. Schatzi and I both woke before his alarm went off. He wrapped his arm around me still half asleep and I didn't want him to stop, but there went the alarm. Before I knew it he was up and ready for work. As usual he came into the room to say good bye to me before he heads out to work. Today I couldn't help but hold on extra tight when he hugged me. He said a few words to me and no matter how much I wanted to speak I could get no words out. I didn't go back to sleep, but instead I may have stained his pillowcase with some tears. I did not mean to leave any stains, but I think I may have and I feel bad about that.

When I finally crawled out of the bed I couldn't face being alone so I brought Caesar inside. I think he knew that I was leaving. He's sweet though. He kept me company as I gathered my items around Schatzi's house.

As I sat down to blog guess who wanted some of my Cheetos? This cutie! I may have given him one, but he was good about not begging.

I kept watching the clock. I was basically counting down the hours then the minutes. He said he should be back around noon and for me to be ready to get in the car. Noon came and went. He got to his house maybe ten after and then took some time to wind down from work. We left around 12:20. Not too bad for a flight scheduled to take off at 3:05 right? Well it is close when you have an almost two hour drive to get to the airport.

The drive to the airport was interesting. He put on some comedian shows and we laughed. We ate cookies and sunflower seeds. I got the weirdest feeling. I felt as if I were a dog not knowing exactly where he was taking me but knowing it was not going to end well. I was trying to avoid being too sad and bursting into tears which lasted most of the car ride. It also felt as if we were just going on a road trip together. His calling me babe earlier in the day and being affectionate probably didn't help with the reality of the situation at hand, but I wanted to try to enjoy the last minutes we had. Every now and then he would put his right hand on my left knee/thigh. When he did this I felt comfort and I felt safe. Then I remembered what we were doing. We got to the airport around 2:15 and he got my luggage out and gave me a hug. Thinking back to it now I think there was only a kiss on the cheek. He told me to take care of myself and to be careful. I wanted to say so much but again I couldn't speak. Tears filled my eyes, I felt a lump in my throat, and I could feel myself start to shake. Then in a flash he was gone. When I entered there was a line to check-in. There is never a line when I go to SMF! I was starting to worry because I didn't think I would make my flight. I checked in and I was told that due to my late check in my luggage is not guaranteed to make it onto my flight. This was not going well, I mean I cried outside the airport, I cried in the check in line, I cried about the bag, I cried in the TSA line, I cried in the bathroom, and I cried standing in line to board the plane. So lucky that I made it in time.

I got a window seat and tried hard not to cry, but it didn't really work. When the flight attendant came around to take drink orders I asked for a water and a vodka with cran and apple. I have never bought a drink let alone drank on a plane. I figured I was already a mess, my eyes were red from crying, my body was red from the sunburn, and I needed something to help calm me or numb me of all the pain. Not a bad drink actually. Getting that alcoholic beverage was probably the best choice I made on the flight.

Yes, my luggage arrived with me! I felt a bit embarrassed of the big yellow tag, but at least I had my luggage.

I sat and waited for my mom to pick me up. I couldn't help it, I found myself crying again. The tears weren't stopping this time. I was home and he was at his home. We were hundreds of miles apart again.

I had a bit of a headache from the drink along with all of the crying. That pressure stuck with me for most of the night. I unpacked my bag when I got home and walked the baby. I couldn't help but miss the scenery up north that is nothing like walking down the street here. I feel as if I don't fit in here anymore. There is so much I miss right now. I miss Schatzi. I miss Caesar. I miss the sunsets. I miss sitting outside with Schatzi relaxing watching the water go. I miss the wildlife. I miss feeling happy and relaxed and at ease. I miss the big tub and being able to sit there for as long as I want. I miss sitting at the dinner table with Schatzi and not watching TV. Odd but I miss doing our dishes. I miss seeing him around and his sneaking kisses in here and there. I miss his bedroom. I miss too many things to be able to list here. I know that I need to adjust to being back home, but it takes time and it is in no way simple. It will be weird without him next to me in bed. I am sure that when I wake up I will forget where I am and then feel like I am hit by a ton of bricks. This will take a lot of time, but right now I am not ready to start moving on. I need time to cry and be sad. I am truly sad. I hear the voice in my head almost like a broken record reminding myself that I am simply extremely heartbroken and sad.

I think I have done enough crying for the day to dehydrate myself. I would like to get to sleep without another tear. That will be my challenge to myself once I finish this post. I hope those reading these posts are happier than I right now.

-ALG