It's just past midnight. I have my motorcycle course tomorrow. You would think I would be excited, but I can't help but feel like I am rolling down a steep hill to depression. It hit me really hard in the last hour. I thought that learning to ride would be a good thing for me but right now it just reminds me of Schatzi. I had to stop myself from mailing him a letter. I came close to calling him a few minutes ago but stopped myself. I hurt enough. What I couldn't stop myself from doing was listening to some of the old voicemails he left on my phone. His voice calms and comforts me but at the same time it makes me depressed and hopeful for what will never happen. This time of year last year I found out he had cheated on me. I still miss the family though and the stillness surrounding me as I sat on the deck or the beauty of the nature on my runs while I waited for him to come home at night. I can't say I miss him cheating or miss the arguing but I miss him. I miss his voice. I miss him reading to me at night. I miss watching shows together and staying up late on the phone laughing. I miss being able to say the most difficult yet simple words to say to someone.
I don't now how I'll be able to take the class tomorrow in the cold and possible rain. Especially with the swollen eyes I'll have from all this crying.
Wish me luck
