We woke early and Schatzi went out to feed the dog. Since I would be leaving at noon we slept a bit more then got to the laundry. Leftovers for breakfast and I hung out with the boys. I could feel what I was dreading creep up on me. I was starting to get really sad. I always get sad when I have to leave Schatzi or he has to leave me. I know that's the behavior of a child, but it's tough. I hadn't seen Schatzi in over four months and now we had to split ways again. Not to mention I was still unsure of what to do about our situation.
I didn't want to leave, but I said my goodbyes and off we went. I wanted to have a more serious conversation in the car, but we turned on a movie instead. Things were going fine. I was feeling sleepy so I shut off the movie and he plugged in his podcast. Look at the view from the window! At one point I even turned to Schatzi and asked him if he thought it was gorgeous. Of course the camera does the scenery no justice.We stopped for gas and it was only around $20 to fill the tank!! Then we got to the crowded mall and started to look around for a jacket for him to wear to work. I agree with him that there were so many choices that it felt a bit overwhelming. We walked through the mall holding hands, exchanging glances, and teasing each other. I just wanted to try to enjoy our last moments together and we were.
On out way to the food court I was walking in front of Schatzi due to the crowded walk areas. He had said something and called me dear. Which usually would have been no big deal at all but I felt a sharp pain hit when I heard him. I told him not to call me that and he seemed to rush us off that topic. From that moment on things were tense and awkward. He didn't want to look at me. We made small talk here and there, but we could feel the tension. We awkwardly walked to Godiva to get his gift for work. I wanted to cry. My eyes kept tearing up and I would have to try my hardest to calm myself. I don't know if the tears were from my trip coming to an end, our situation not being resolved, the current tension, etc. We went through a few jewelry stores because I am still trying to find a blue diamond white gold ring, but I just wasn't feeling it. It was early but we made out way out to the car. I could feel the tears coming back to my eyes as we walked outside. I didn't want him to see me crying. Why? I don't know. Maybe I didn't want him to see me being weak or I was embarrassed to be seen crying like a baby. We drove to the airport in silence. I kept looking toward his hand wanting to reach out and hold it. Unfortunately he was holding his phone or using the clutch. As we pulled up to the curb I lost it. The tears came and would not stop. I gave him a hug and I didn't want to let go or even look up because I was crying. He wished me a safe trip home and began to walk away. Regardless of the situation I went to him and gave him another hug and a kiss. He wasn't feeling it which of course just made me cry more. He walked away and I walked to the doors. I lost it even more as I walked through the doors. My head hung as low as it could and I walked to the front desk. Poor guy at the desk must have felt awkward because I was pretty much hyperventilating.
I got through security and was trying to respond to a text from my mom when I realized I couldn't see the letters because my vision was that blurry. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want him to leave me. I didn't want this to be reality. I continued to cry my eyes out. My nose felt three times the size it was. My eyes stung and my throat hurt. Cleaned myself up a bit in the restroom then headed to my gate. The football game was on TV and surprisingly I found myself watching it as if it were a show on Food Network. I was even sending Schatzi updates on the score. I even moved closer and around a bunch of people to see the screen better. As I boarded the plane I couldn't help but cry again. I cried most of the way home and fell asleep at least five or six times on the less than an hour long flight. Total opposite of my flight to see him where I could hardly sit still and stop smiling. Cool thing was I saw the guy throw my luggage onto the ramp. Never seen that before.
I got off the plane as soon as I could and literally ran to baggage claim. I had put my hood and sunglasses on and was getting quite a few weird looks from people walking by. I know it's not normal to wear sunglasses inside at night, but my eyes hurt so bad. Half the time I was running I had my eyes closed. I waited for my bag with my head hung low and tears falling from my cheeks.Our goodbye could have been good if we had simply communicated. He was angry that I had ruined our goodbye because I was hurt from him calling me dear at the mall. I was sad and hurt because I was leaving. If we had just talked he would have known it wasn't a huge deal that he called me dear. But too late. Always too late. I was on my way home and he was on his way to bed. What a week guys. Did not expect it to go the way my trip went, but it had its handful of positive moments.
Let's hope things get better somehow. Of course silly me is expecting a letter or an apology or some sort of resolution, but I should know better by now. Even if things get better I won't be seeing him for another few months at least.
-ALG
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