Actions Needed (day 3)

Hi again,

I had thought that by now Schatzi would have had plenty of time to realize he cheated on me and the ways he could attempt to make things better. I want apologies. Real meaningful heartfelt difficult to get through apologies. Do I get that? I think I may have gotten one or two. I know you're thinking well damn how many apologies does this woman need? If you have ever been cheated on and hurt this badly you would know that I need as many apologies as it takes for me to begin to forgive or get over his wrongful actions. Does he realize this? I doubt it. I think he feels that he has already said sorry for putting us into this no win situation and that that should be sufficient. Has he apologized for actually CHEATING on me? I don't believe so. Will he? I wonder the same thing.

I stayed in bed in the morning while he got ready for his day. He was sweet and offered to make me something for breakfast but to be honest I wasn't really hungry so I declined. I told him I was cold and if he would hand me the blanket on the floor. He picked it up and covered me which is more than what I asked for. A small act of affection like this has a huge impact on my mood and the progress.

While he was at work I decided I would do some house cleaning to try to keep my mind off of the nightmare of a reality he has created for me. I like to clean because it gives me a feeling of satisfaction. I also don't want his mom to come home to a dirty house. I did the dishes, swept the kitchen and bathroom, got on my hands and knees to scrub cabinets, cleaned the stove, wiped the fridge doors, vacuumed the living room and bedroom, and tried to clean the stool in the bathroom. I put together a Christmas tree! I have never done that before so it was fun.

I kept myself busy but I was feeling extra sweaty. Why not workout? I ran around the property for about an hour till his parents got home. Then I continued while I waited for Schatzi to get home. I tried not to expect too much from him. Of course when I saw him I felt like I could feel myself smiling from the inside. He didn't look too happy though. Apparently he had a bad day at work and I'm sure I was the last thing he wanted to come home to. We were supposed to go down the barn to workout with some weights and such, but I guess he didn't want to. I mean I understand because it was a rough day, but I was hoping he would have at least addressed it.


After our showers I got into bed feeling extremely neglected and unwanted. All I wanted to do was lay there and cry, but he managed to get me up saying we would go watch a movie so he could rub my back/shoulders (which I had asked him to do while he was at work). I was excited about that because who doesn't love to have their tense shoulders, neck, and back rubbed? A bit let down though because it seemed like he was only doing it because I had asked him too. Didn't last very long. I tried to give him a hint by moving his hand back to my shoulder, but didn't really work too well. So I just focused on the movie. Am I a brat for wanting him to let me lay on my front while he massaged my shoulders and whatever else hurt?

I may sound like a brat for expecting and wanting so much from him, but shouldn't he be wanting and trying to do everything he can to try to make things better before I walk out of his life forever on Sunday? I mean if he really loved me he wouldn't have hurt me in the first place, but if he regrets his decision to cheat on me I feel like he would be doing so much more. What happened to the gentleman I met two years ago? I know that if I had cheated on him he would have left me. No discussion, but he would just walk out. Seems like the logical thing to do. But I believe nearly everyone deserves a second chance. I guess I am learning that not everyone will be wanting to take the chance you give them. All it tells me is that I guess he really doesn't want me. He doesn't want to fix things. He doesn't care about the outcome. It's so strange to think that he doesn't care because I thought he loved me with everything he had left, but I think this was me all along trying to convince myself of things that weren't really there to begin with.

The past few days have been a real nightmare. I will tell you guys that last night he said something that I did believe. I felt he was sincere. I would have preferred he said this to my face with the lights on, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He told me he loves me and that he is sorry for putting us into this no win situation. He said that I was right that he should be doing what he can with the next two days we have together. I don't know if he realizes a lot can happen in two days. Especially when one of those two days he doesn't have to go to work.

Maybe it is wrong for me to think the way I have but he has two days and I know he is capable of making things better. The question is does he even want to? If he has no desire to make any improvements or offers then I wish he would have told me upfront. If that's how he feels then it's even worse that he has been dragging me through all this misery the last few days. Your actions should match your words in a relationship. Yes sometimes actions speak louder than words, but when you combine the two you can work wonders.

There's a way to patch up what he has done. I still have yet to make up my mind (which I am giving him till Sunday) but if he doesn't want to do it though I will have to walk away from everything and do my hardest to never look back.

-ALG