Hey . . .
After a rough night of tossing and turning and waking up at least four times I was surprisingly feeling rested when I got out of bed. Schatzi got up fed his dog, washed up, made breakfast, and was off to work. I figured my first day of my "vacation" I would catch up on blogging, watch YouTube videos, and try to relax. Hopped on the couch and I stumbled across some rather heartbreaking messages. Let me address that I accidentally found what I did, but felt extremely guilty for reading the messages. I do not snoop through my boyfriend's personal anything. I used to snoop through my ex's phone because he was the cheating type, but I never thought that of my current boyfriend. You can only attempt to imagine how surprised I was to find the painfully concrete messages I was reading.
When I first started dating Schatzi I was swept off my feet. I thought to myself that this is an amazing man that I am so lucky to have stumble into my life. I am a young adult so all of my past relationships have felt like kids dating. This relationship made me feel like I was moving up, growing up. I was in a serious relationship. A relationship that I thought looked promising. I finally had a boyfriend with a welcoming, enchanting, big family. A family I wanted to be a part of one day. (You have no idea how difficult it has been for me to find a boyfriend with a normal family. Now I have a boyfriend with such a perfect family.) Schatzi was such a gentleman. He would write me letters, cook for me, take me out, buy me flowers, and look at me with eyes that said more than words ever could. He was strong, exciting, adventurous, outgoing, and fascinatingly traveled. He seemed to be so into me. Not only for my physical appearance, but my intellect and quirky ways.
If you are new to this blog I'll let you know that Schatzi and I have been through a lot together. He was there for my first year of college hardships, my 19th family birthday dinner (which believe me was hell), my very difficult decision to leave UCSD, my dance with depression and self harm, my family being against his dating me, my father's heart attack, and so much more. I was there for part of his depression, late night nightmares, theft of his motorcycle, his graduating college, job searching, and so much more. It has been almost a year and ten months since we officially started dating. This makes it even more difficult to accept that the man I love, that I thought loved me, would harm me.
I am shocked, hurt, sad, mad, and disappointed. Most of all though I am shocked. As I read the messages my eyes grew with pain. I didn't want to believe my eyes. I wanted to unseen what I had seen. I wanted an explanation. I wanted infinite apologies and affection. I wanted to see the look on his face when he found out he got caught and his secret was out. I wanted to see the guilt and shame in his eyes as he had to face me and the truth of the situation.
I waited for him to come home from work. I had him open his ps4 Christmas gift before talking to him so I could see the true reaction to the gift without it being tainted by the talk we were about to have. At least he was happy with his gifts.
Trying to talk was harder than I had thought it would be. I could feel my whole body shaking with every word and tear that came from my body. It wasn't anger, but the betrayal that was making me shake. Let's just say that things did not go anywhere near what I was half expecting.
I came here to surprise my boyfriend. I didn't know I was the one that would be truly surprised.
-ALG
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