Bean & Cheese Burritos?

Hi guy,

So I started the morning off by opening my very last advent calendar day and finding this huge gummy bear! Love how the hat is red. I think I have finally gotten over my candy craze!



At my family's house we open gifts from each other on Christmas Eve. Mom handed out the gifts to me, my brother, dad, and of course Mimi! That's my bunch of pretty presents! All So nicely wrapped too.





We went around the room and watched each person open a gift. I was wondering why they were all wanting to watch me open the gift from my brother until this happened. His was the bag topped with festive tissue. I pulled the tissue out and found three items wrapped in white tissue. Look at that lol I saw them and honestly may have gotten slightly excited that they could have been burritos . . . is that sad or what?? So creative! I give him points for that! Now I want Taco Bell!! Bean and cheese burrito no red sauce or onions and a side of nachos, yummmm!!

There's the Christmas Eve loot! Got a cool shirt, lotions, a tea set, and a couple of gift cards. I attempted to take a good photo. I realized I have hardly spent any time with the tree this year. If y'all didn't know I love to sit and just look at the tree. Maybe Christmas or next year.

Can you guys guess my favorite present? Schatzi got it right. Aren't they beautiful?? Incredibly festive and royal looking. My mom got me this because she remembered how I said when I move out I want to drink tea every morning. I figured it would be a relaxing way to start the mornings. Not really a Schatzi thing, but maybe I'll find him something more masculine. I think receiving this set made me want to collect more. I mean why not? I can have a few to choose from to shake it up a bit. It's almost too pretty to use!

Hope your Christmas Eve was full of fun!

-ALG

In The Spirit

Hey guys,

It is the day before Christmas Eve, aka Christmas Eve Eve, and I am FINALLY experiencing some of the holiday spirit!

Had a kind of busy morning of doing dishes, cooking, organizing, etc. Had this plate of healthy stuff while watching a Christmas movie with mom.

Decided to try a green and red lip for the day. One day I will have the money so I don't have to rely on eye shadow for lipstick. Felt good to be up to putting effort into my look for the day. Sadly the part where the green and red met blended a bit too much and looked slightly blue.

I was also finally hungry at work so I ate on my break. Made some miso soup in the morning and to my surprise we had pizza at work! So that was dinner. Don't even make fun of the amount of Parmesan cheese I sprinkle on my lil pizza slice! I know you're sitting there smiling to yourself. Pepperoni and pineapple are the best toppings! Crispy is probably the best to be honest.

Looks like snow! Or a bubble bath I guess. I don't think I have ever seen the sink at work look that perfect before.

Of course I was super last minute when wrapping my brother's Christmas gift. I think I made up for it with the level of creativity! I'll admit the bow isn't perfect or even, but I tried.

Hope you are or have already been in the holiday spirit. Took me an awfully long time this year, but I am so relieved it finally hit me.

-ALG

Research Discover

Hey,

Past midnight now and I am barely starting this post. Today I woke to a message from Schatzi. Even when times are rough and we don't get along I always feel better when I see he texted me. Which sadly is the total opposite of how he feels when he sees that I texted. Wow did it really take me this long to realize or not be so blind to this?

I had to get out of bed so I could continue coughing, start laundry, call the dentist, take care of the healing baby, etc. Wasn't feeling food so I had a tangerine and called it breakfast. Eventually the rest of my family woke up. I did some more Christmas wrapping which I actually enjoy. I like making the folds, choosing the paper, choosing the colors, adding ribbons, etc. Maybe I enjoy it so much because I feel like the holidays are here when I wrap. I will say I feel like the holidays have already passed and to be honest I wish they did.

I still wasn't very hungry but I am trying to fight back all those days of junk food. Made a small veggie plate.

Movie before work with my mom. Of course all the movies are about a guy and a girl meeting and falling in love or breaking up, etc. Still good movies, but they make things tough. The baby was right next to me though. So sweet.

Work was horrible. I kept coughing like crazy. It's hard not to talk when you're a cashier taking orders. Talking makes me cough. Looking up makes me cough. I mean even breathing makes me cough! Coughing makes me cough! Then when I was cleaning up I got a piece of metal stuck in my hand. Didn't want to move it, but I did and washed up. I had my earphones in, tears and all then this customer comes up to me and says he can sense that I am a person that will discover something great. If I dedicate time and energy into conducting research then I will discover something that will impact many lives. It was all going fine until he started to talk about god. I am glad I don't have to go to work tomorrow. At least one day before the crazy stressful days are upon me.

-ALG

So Dry

Again,

Thank goodness the baby was feeling better. Work again was difficult to get through for multiple reasons. Got to spend some time pulling files so that was nice. I had quite a few cough attacks. I kept running to the break room to cough in the bathroom. Turns out I was sick over the last week. Well at some point. This cough went from mucusy to extremely dry. It's painful to cough and each breath I risk triggering a cough attack.

I had a major cough attack I couldn't stop and my bosses told me to take my fifteen. I was actually hungry so I had a pb and j sandwich. Thought everything was going well and then I broke out coughing. I had to run outside to cough because I knew I would be making that gross vomiting noise. Tears were rolling down my cheeks and I was in so much pain. When I went back in to the restroom I noticed something was wrong. I ended up vomiting and regretting even going to work. Under my scarf, my chest was splotchy red. Something told me to check my shoulders and to my surprise the front and backs of my shoulders were splotchy red as well. I just wanted to go home.


I got off of work and got to enjoy some time with my coworker. I felt bad because I kept coughing when she and I were trying to talk. Eventually we found ourselves at McDonald's. Of course I couldn't go a day without candy. We took out own candy and each got an oreo McFlurry. Sprinkles, gummy worms, M&Ms, yogurt gummy bears, mini gummy bears, gummy worms, and sour watermelons. My body got chips during break so I had to get my fill of sugar.

Good thing I got my sugar intake because I needed it. No clue what the future holds or what's even really in my head. There are so many paths that I can choose but half are dependent on someone else. We will see how things turn out.

Of course my second job decides to start working me more.

Someone come take care of me please :(

-ALG

Journal

Morning,

I did not get to sleep until maybe 2am. I guess you could say there was a lot on my mind. Also I couldn't find my most recent diary/journal. I started writing when I was in high school and bought myself a new journal every new year. Clearly it's been a while if I can't remember where I placed my most recent one let alone the last time I wrote in one. I have a lot going on in my head and I think writing it out may be useful. Got an email from Barnes and Noble for 25% off an item so I will attempt to get to work early to go buy myself a new journal. I never thought journals were so expensive. I guess that's because I go for the ones that have unique prints.

Take a guess as to what time I woke up. No, not seven, but around 7:50. Thank you body for that. Major cough attacks where one cough triggers the next and the cycle seems to never end. Constant clearing of my throat and blowing my nose. The creepy thing is that over the past few days when I wake and blow my nose it's all bloody on the tissue. I don't know how I am going to get through another day of work. Times like this is when I wish I didn't have a job, let alone two jobs. I just want to take a long hot bath and curl up in bed to watch a movie.

-ALG

I Got A Phone Call

Hey there,

Did not sleep well at all last night. My body needs to learn that I do not need to be awake at 7 on the weekends. Yes, I was up so early this morning and my cough followed immediately. I had three major cough attacks while I was attempting to go back to sleep but it forced me out of bed and to the restroom to wipe the lovely snot from my nose. I crawled back into bed and knocked out. Too bad I had to get out of bed to go to work. A quarter cup of coffee and a cookie for breakfast before I was out the door.

It took me about ten minutes to find parking at work this morning. Not fun. Then at work I kept having to run to the break room, punch in the code, and down some water in an attempt to stop my coughing. Taking a week off from work made me feel like I was starting from scratch again which was difficult as is, but adding in my sinus issues made it hell. I wanted to practice pretesting people or at least shadow someone, but I mainly sat in the filing room. I actually enjoyed spending a chunk of my shift to be alone in the filing room. The last bit of my shift I got to make phone calls to confirm their appointments. Doesn't sound too difficult right? Normally it isn't difficult at all, but I had to stop three times during a minute long phone call to hack up a lung. I feel like my cough is getting worse. It's more of a dry cough trying to bring up grossness that isn't willing to come out yet. My cough and issues need to go away! I don't have time to be gross or sick.

While I was at work my boss came to me saying I had a phone call. I never get a call at work so I was worried. My mom was on the phone and was telling me that my dog was having diarrhea and bleeding from her rear. My dad and brother took Mimi to the hospital and I had to go back to work pretending that nothing was wrong. That on top of everything else going on was driving me crazy. (my nose is currently dripping right now. so cute right?) As soon as I got home and realized my brother wasn't home to go get food at Starbucks with me I attacked the chips.


Hot Cheeto fries with cheese melted in the microwave are actually a lot better than you would think. I'm glad I can't see myself when I am inhaling all these chips. I am disgusted with myself to be honest.

My brother got home and we went to Starbucks to use my BOGO food item coupon. Decided I would try the pb bistro box. My brother got the chicken blt sandwich. Can't say I would pay the $5 per item, but I will say there was a decent amount of food in my little box. The sad part was that I was most excited about the carrots and cucumber. I think that's my body's cry for healthy food. This box is a good idea for a DIY lunch for work. One day my partner will pack me lunch for work and it'll be extra special. Not saying he has to every day, but maybe once a week? That'd be awesome!

Finally got the call to pick up the baby. Luckily nothing was off with her blood work. No internal organ bleeding. She doesn't seem to be in any pain so that's a relief. She racked up quite a bill though. I paid $301 for her visit and four different medications. She now has to take a probiotic, a pill to protect her intestines, a pill to make sure no bacteria spreads, and a powder to help with her diarrhea. My mom will reimburse me for the visit. Not that it is impossible for me to pay for, but I do appreciate my parents paying for things like this.

It's been tough not talking to Schatzi. Imagine talking to someone almost every day for the last two years and then not talking to him/her for days. He works only during the week so I figured tonight would be a good night to have a talk. I asked if he was free tonight and all I got back was "No. Going out." Still nothing. Nice to know what he thinks of me and how important this and I are to him. Huge slap in the face. Appreciate it.


Well gift wrapping helped to try to get my mind off of things. Cut the ribbon too short, but not bad. Wrapped a bunch of stuff and wrote quite a few cards. Before I knew it two hours had gone by.

Had to take on mommy duty and wash the baby's bottom. She did not enjoy it one bit. My brother got to hold the front half while I lathered her up and rinsed her off. Then to my parents' room for blow drying. Not fun guys. But she's all clean now! Thank goodness because I was freaking out at work and cried a bit because of everything going on at once.

Watched some David Tutera with my mom and now I'm here writing this. I am still mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted but the real world doesn't care. Turns out LensCrafters will be giving me a lot of work over the next two weeks. I want the holidays to be over already. I feel really sad to say that because I really do enjoy the holidays. More like I used to enjoy the holidays. Now I work up to the holiday and work the day after. I don't have time to enjoy the holidays nor can I. There's a lot going on in my life where I can't clear my head to enjoy the special times of the year.

It'll be over soon and another year will be behind us all. Hopefully the new year will bring promising opportunities and compromises to my life. Until then, work work work. My body will probably wake me up in less than seven hours again and my day will repeat.

Hope you all enjoyed your day.

-ALG

100 MPH

Morning,

Well it is 1:05 am. Work was another seven hours of hell today. I got lucky again though and was put on the line. My throat hurts really bad and I have random cough attacks here and there. I still have to blow my nose with some frequency. I just want to lay down and wake with all my problems solved. (currently coughing up a lung and my throat. seriously feel like my tissue lining my throat is being pulled up. great not my nose is running and my eyes watering. you know how you feel like you need to keep coughing but it keeps getting worse? yeah, that's me right now. ouch my nose is getting raw from having to blow it so much.)

My coworker, a different one than Monday, brought me some chocolate and hard candies. If you're looking at the photo then you're looking at my dinner. I had made some soup right before work today, but I really wasn't wanting to eat. Work was pretty busy and thank goodness my supervisor let me go on break because the second I did, I burst out in tears. My mind has been going at 100 mph non stop for days now. It is exhausting and people probably think I am crazy. I didn't want to be around people on my break so I just stood in the back and let the tears flow. Guys, I think I really am going crazy.

It's only been three days since I communicated with Schatzi and I can't help but be scared of his words when I talk to him again. I am scared he will say that he enjoyed not having to text me during all his breaks or while he's getting ready for work, not having to listen to the negative things I may say, not having to feel the need to stay up for me to get home from work at night, etc. It's hard to imagine and I am trying to not guess at his words when they do come.

I really just want to be happy. Also would like this congestion issues to go away because I do not need this physical pain on top of everything else. Someone come take care of me! Not gonna happen, sadly. Work in the morning. The good thing about that is I get to be home at night with my family. The bad thing is that I won't be getting much sleep. Little price to pay for having a job, right? One day I will have weekends again. One day a lot will be different from now. I will just keep dreaming and hoping.

-ALG

Help! Afrin

Hi again,

Last night my sinuses were getting worse. It got to the point where I texted my mom to ask what kind of medicine I should take when I get home. My guess is that she ran out to CVS late at night to get me nasal spray. I am so thankful that I have her to help take care of me when I am not well. It was another miserable night but at least I got to take a pill and use the afrin spray.

Woke up this morning with major congestion. I had to get out of bed to blow my nose and let's just say it was a gross color and a lot of it. Crawled back into bed and struggled to stay awake. I lost that battle and ended up staying in bed till half an hour to the time I had to leave.

Fruit for breakfast. My coworker was sweet and packed this container of fruit because all I've been eating was junk. Imagine waking up to fruit salad? I think I would be a happy camper if that were part of my mornings. Not going to lie, I had a good amount of chips and salsa too. Guilty I know!

Got to my massage early for once and took care of some business. An hour massage may sound like a lot but in the moment it's really not. Major knots in my shoulders and neck. She did a really good job massaging my head to get rid of my headache. Very relaxing even though the conversation wasn't as much. I love seeing my massage therapist. She's my favorite. Just wish it wasn't so expensive. OR I my job paid me more. That would be nice right?

Lunch with my mom and I surprised myself by inhaling my two pieces of masago sushi and half my salmon with rice. I've been wanting sushi for a really long time. Needed some sugar so I got this baby guy from McDonald's. Oreo! So yummy and of course I added a ton of rainbow sprinkles to make it happier. I guess I haven't eaten enough sugar today.

Time to go make soup in hopes I will eat a bit of dinner for once. Work work work.

-ALG

Junk

Afternoon,

Woke up around 7:30 and my throat felt worse than the last few days combined. I felt so extremely congested. It may be weird, but I almost never blow my nose. I only blow my nose when I am sick and need to, but lately I have found myself blowing my nose throughout the day. I was not about to get out of the bed to drive to the gym to workout. I eventually rolled out of bed and went downstairs with the intention of working out. I stuffed my face with all this lovely junk food. Then I got on the floor and did maybe a total of five minutes of any sort of exercise. I can't say I felt too good after the food.


I had to take the baby to the groomers and run some errands. Laundry and lunch when I got home. A parfait from work and of course chips and salsa. Weird to think that my food indulgences are over and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I think I ate too much for what my body can handle. I feel sick.

Could definitely use a hot bath, a cup of coffee, and a very very very long night's sleep. Not going to lie . . . a tiara, candles, and my ring wouldn't hurt.

I'll keep dreaming. Have to because I am off to work real soon for another super fun, not, night.

-ALG

Christmas Tea

Difficult Silence

Evening,

After coming to a harsh realization and not wanting to lie to myself anymore I have decided I need to take time to think. Schatzi and I are taking a break from communicating. It's not a break break, but time I think we could both use to really think things over. I am terrified of the things that could happen during this time of silence.

I'm glad that he and I had a conversation before the silence started though. We got some things out on the table and I am happy that neither of us raised our voices. I had expected to burst out in tears many times, but I didn't. Some silent tears here and there but could have been worse. I know that I will wake up tomorrow morning around seven and think Schatzi will text me. I will keep checking my phone all day. I will want to text and call him. I know for sure that I will be thinking of him and maybe even talking about him (I am talking about good and bad. Not just bad okay? I am not that horrible of a person.) This is going to be extremely extremely difficult for me.

I love you too. I really do.
-
ALG

Sugar Sugar Sugar

Hi again,

So my first full day back at home I had to work. Luckily I was placed on the production line so I didn't have to interact with too many customers. I had a decent breakfast in the morning, skipped lunch, and by the time my dinner break came around I was not hungry at all. I thought I would have a little bit of chocolate milk (Schatzi gave me some of his when I was up there and it sounded good again), a sliver of crumb cake, and a brownie for dinner. Not going for healthy, but something I may eat.


My coworker had ran over to the candy store on her break and got me this big bag of candy to try to cheer me up. That was really sweet of her! Usually I crave candy while I'm at work and would have eaten the whole bag by the end of my shift, but I had maybe four pieces. I also ate only that much of my cake, brownie, and milk (see above). It's not that I am hungry but trying to make myself not eat because I am so upset. I am just so sad and confused and scared that my appetite has yet to come back. Slowly it'll come back I think. My body won't be able to deal with so little nutrients and my brain will force me to eat.

Until then it looks like chips and candy will be my diet.

-ALG

Goodbye (last day)

Hello,

We woke early and Schatzi went out to feed the dog. Since I would be leaving at noon we slept a bit more then got to the laundry. Leftovers for breakfast and I hung out with the boys. I could feel what I was dreading creep up on me. I was starting to get really sad. I always get sad when I have to leave Schatzi or he has to leave me. I know that's the behavior of a child, but it's tough. I hadn't seen Schatzi in over four months and now we had to split ways again. Not to mention I was still unsure of what to do about our situation.

I didn't want to leave, but I said my goodbyes and off we went. I wanted to have a more serious conversation in the car, but we turned on a movie instead. Things were going fine. I was feeling sleepy so I shut off the movie and he plugged in his podcast. Look at the view from the window! At one point I even turned to Schatzi and asked him if he thought it was gorgeous. Of course the camera does the scenery no justice.

We stopped for gas and it was only around $20 to fill the tank!! Then we got to the crowded mall and started to look around for a jacket for him to wear to work. I agree with him that there were so many choices that it felt a bit overwhelming. We walked through the mall holding hands, exchanging glances, and teasing each other. I just wanted to try to enjoy our last moments together and we were.

On out way to the food court I was walking in front of Schatzi due to the crowded walk areas. He had said something and called me dear. Which usually would have been no big deal at all but I felt a sharp pain hit when I heard him. I told him not to call me that and he seemed to rush us off that topic. From that moment on things were tense and awkward. He didn't want to look at me. We made small talk here and there, but we could feel the tension. We awkwardly walked to Godiva to get his gift for work. I wanted to cry. My eyes kept tearing up and I would have to try my hardest to calm myself. I don't know if the tears were from my trip coming to an end, our situation not being resolved, the current tension, etc. We went through a few jewelry stores because I am still trying to find a blue diamond white gold ring, but I just wasn't feeling it. It was early but we made out way out to the car. I could feel the tears coming back to my eyes as we walked outside. I didn't want him to see me crying. Why? I don't know. Maybe I didn't want him to see me being weak or I was embarrassed to be seen crying like a baby. We drove to the airport in silence. I kept looking toward his hand wanting to reach out and hold it. Unfortunately he was holding his phone or using the clutch. As we pulled up to the curb I lost it. The tears came and would not stop. I gave him a hug and I didn't want to let go or even look up because I was crying. He wished me a safe trip home and began to walk away. Regardless of the situation I went to him and gave him another hug and a kiss. He wasn't feeling it which of course just made me cry more. He walked away and I walked to the doors. I lost it even more as I walked through the doors. My head hung as low as it could and I walked to the front desk. Poor guy at the desk must have felt awkward because I was pretty much hyperventilating.

I got through security and was trying to respond to a text from my mom when I realized I couldn't see the letters because my vision was that blurry. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want him to leave me. I didn't want this to be reality. I continued to cry my eyes out. My nose felt three times the size it was. My eyes stung and my throat hurt. Cleaned myself up a bit in the restroom then headed to my gate. The football game was on TV and surprisingly I found myself watching it as if it were a show on Food Network. I was even sending Schatzi updates on the score. I even moved closer and around a bunch of people to see the screen better. As I boarded the plane I couldn't help but cry again. I cried most of the way home and fell asleep at least five or six times on the less than an hour long flight. Total opposite of my flight to see him where I could hardly sit still and stop smiling. Cool thing was I saw the guy throw my luggage onto the ramp. Never seen that before.

I got off the plane as soon as I could and literally ran to baggage claim. I had put my hood and sunglasses on and was getting quite a few weird looks from people walking by. I know it's not normal to wear sunglasses inside at night, but my eyes hurt so bad. Half the time I was running I had my eyes closed. I waited for my bag with my head hung low and tears falling from my cheeks.

Our goodbye could have been good if we had simply communicated. He was angry that I had ruined our goodbye because I was hurt from him calling me dear at the mall. I was sad and hurt because I was leaving. If we had just talked he would have known it wasn't a huge deal that he called me dear. But too late. Always too late. I was on my way home and he was on his way to bed. What a week guys. Did not expect it to go the way my trip went, but it had its handful of positive moments.

Let's hope things get better somehow. Of course silly me is expecting a letter or an apology or some sort of resolution, but I should know better by now. Even if things get better I won't be seeing him for another few months at least.
-ALG

Day Out (day 5)

Hi again,

Saturday came quick and Schatzi didn't have work. Unlike me and my work he doesn't work weekends. I was looking forward to the weekend because I was thinking we could go out or do something fun. We slept in a bit which I loved. He got up to feed the dog, pay some bills, etc but he came back to the room eventually. Want to know something sweet he did? He went out and cleaned up the truck. He even put some air fresheners in the truck to get the funny smells out. Together we watched movie trailers and decided we would go to Target so he could get some Christmas shopping done, PetSmart to look for something for his dog, the mall, the movies, and then dinner. He found everything he needed at Target. Kind of jealous he could get his shopping done just like that. Here I am still needing to shop for three people. I am so behind this year. It was fun helping him shop for his nephews and niece. Made me feel like I was part of the family. (If you haven't noticed I am a sucker for the family stuff.) We made our way to PetSmart and I talked him into getting his dog a jacket. His dog stays outside through the wind, rain, and cold so I felt bad for him. We walked next door to BevMo because we had discussed the idea of having a drink later that night. He picked out some hard root beer and I chose a pineapple fruity wine.

We were both feeling a bit hungry so off to the movies we went. Of course we were too late for the closest showing and an hour too early for the next one. It was so cold out that we just agreed to see the 4:55 showing of The Night Before.

We went in and guess who got all excited about the arcade. Out of all the time I have known Schatzi I have never once seen him ask me for money. He had taken the $1 bills out of his wallet and I happened to have some. I had no problem giving him my dollars so don't for one second think that. We had to make a trip to the car to grab some cough drops and when we went back inside he convinced me to play a game with him. I really can't play video games because I get overwhelmed when people are coming toward me trying to kill me. In racing games I tend to have issues staying on the road lol I chose to play the hunting shooting game. I had so much fun playing the game with Schatzi. Most of the animals took two hits to kill and let's just say I let Schatzi get the first hit and I would steal it by getting the second hit! He caught on pretty quick though >.< He was kicking my butt and then I was totally kicking his butt. The movie was going to start soon and we still had to get our food and use the bathroom. So we agreed to do one more round in the game then put the guns down. I was winning and then that last round happened and he whooped my butt. Look at that! Almost 2,000 he beat me by! It was a lot of fun being able to have some friendly competition and let loose.



As for the movie itself, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. I thought it was a pretty funny movie. Laughed quite a bit and it definitely helped me relax a bit. It was still super cold and slightly drizzling when we left the theater. We drove over to Olive Garden and it looked crowded on the outside, but we waited maybe a minute. Schatzi got soup and this pretty chicken dinner.



Of course I had to be slightly embarrassing and order off the kid's menu. I mean seriously they need a small portions adult menu for people like me! It was actually kind of a lot for a kid's meal. I had salad, mac n cheese, broccoli, and grapes.

We packed up our leftovers and got our little chocolate mints. I used to go crazy for these things. Every time the family would go out I would ask everyone for their chocolate. I would even go and ask the people at the front for more. I will say I have out grown that behavior. Look how festive they are though!

When we were driving back Schatzi had said he wanted to drive through town to show me something. He's not really big on Christmas lights and if I had it my way I would have lights up on the house and around the doorways inside. As we drove through town he turned his podcast off and apologized for not having any Christmas music. I didn't really need the music. I looked out my window with wide eyes like a little kid. On both sides of the street the shop windows were full of lights, all the trees were draped with lights, and we even passed the town's Christmas tree. It was absolutely magical. Plus it was a real tree too! I loved that he thought of me and remembered how much I enjoy Christmas lights.

We pulled up to the house with the intention of having a calm, quiet, relaxing night. His sister and the boys were visiting. So I got sucked into a game of Sorry. Schatzi talked to his mom and spent time with his doggie. Showers were taken and we went to the room. A bit of laundry was started. We gave the wine a try and just sat there talking about the next day's plans. We were both exhausted. I almost knocked out half sitting up and half laying down when Schatzi suddenly moved. I had thought he was asleep but guess not. So we talked and did our best to enjoy each other's company.

As the night came to an end I reflected on the day and how much I had enjoyed our day together. I do feel a bit guilty he spent money on me, but I appreciate his taking me out. I loved playing with the kids and feeling like I was a normal part of their family. What made me feel even more guilty was when Schatzi walked in from outside holding a torn up dog jacket. Thank goodness it was only $10, but still! That dog tore up his jacket in less than half an hour. Too bad that night there was rain, thunder, lightening, and crazy winds. Can't say I feel too bad for Caesar now. Surprisingly with all the noise outside Schatzi and I slept straight till six in the morning. Finally got some rest and it was the last night.

-ALG

Breakfast For Dinner (day 4)

Hey guys,

After our walk (see previous post) I went inside and washed up. Schatzi would usually get home and want to shower. No problem with him wanting to shower, but oddly enough every time he would go to shower I would want to shower. Figured I would beat him to it so I took an early shower and even did my makeup. The view was gorgeous so I had to take a photo. I waited for him to get home but this time I stayed inside. He didn't seem to be in a good mood when he came home. He talked to his mom then went to shower.

He had asked my if I wanted to go out, but to be honest I didn't know what there was to do and all I really wanted to spend some time with him. After all, that was the reason for my traveling. He even offered to go get food, but I wasn't really wanting that. I tried my best to put aside my feelings and thoughts so we could enjoy each other's company.

I did get hungry and he offered to cook us potatoes, bacon, and eggs. Sounded pretty good actually. I couldn't help but take a photo of him cooking in the kitchen. I don't expect my boyfriend to cook for me every night or every morning, but I do appreciate any time he cooks for me. It was a fun time because we were pretty relaxed. We get silly and make jokes with one another. Those are some of the good times you know?

My food is on the left. He did my eggs scrambled and cooked well just how I like. The bacon was nice and crisp but not too crisp. As far as the potatoes there were a few that were over cooked, but oh man it was yummy! Schatzi's dinner is on the right. He usually eats more than I do. I did go back for more potatoes though!

After we were done eating he went out to visit his baby aka the dog. Schatzi made me put a jacket on though because it was freezing outside. Adorable how they interact. I'm glad he adopted Caesar. They are perfect for each other. I sat there and watched as the two boys wrestled and cuddled. I found myself smiling a lot as I watched.

At one point he got up and turned all the lights off. He took my hand and helped me down towards the pool. I didn't know what he was doing but he said he wanted to show me something. He had me look up and I could see hundreds of bright stars in the sky. I love looking at Christmas lights. I love looking at city lights. I love looking at clouds. I love looking at stars. I'm a sucker for those kinds of things. So when he showed me this I could feel myself get all warm ad fuzzy on the inside. With his arm around me we stood there taking in the mesmerizing view.

Inside we went. I helped his mom decorate the Christmas tree. I found this really special. Maybe everyone but me saw it as me simply helping out, but I felt really honored to be able to share that moment with his mom. As I picked up ornaments she would share stories behind the ornaments her children had made. Here's a little one Schatzi had made. Simple and cute, but full or memories and meaning.

It was heartwarming to be able to decorate the tree with his mom and have conversation with him and her. It had a very holiday family feel. I got emotional though, and honestly wanted to cry. This is something I would love to partake in every year, but I don't know if I will get to again.

No major arguing that night and I was thankful for that.

-ALG

The Walk (day 4)

Hi,

I decided to do a bit of cleaning and then take a walk. I couldn't go a whole week in such a beautiful place without enjoying the outdoors. Schatzi had put Caesar's leash on the key hook for me so I could take the dog on the walk.

The walk was very different than a walk back home would have been. First off there is no sidewalk. We walked on the side of the road where all the loose gravel was except when there were no cars, then we walked in the road a bit. The first animals we saw were three deer. Yes, deer! Sorry about the photo, but they were far away.

As we walked further I felt a bunch of eyes on me. Looked on the other side of the road and there we saw cows! How often can I walk around home and see cows looking at me? Caesar and I walked on over toward them and he began to whimper. He really is such a baby. All he wanted to go was go play with them.

We kept going on down the road. Down a turn I spotted this guy! It was so cute because he came right up to the fence and put his head over! I wanted to walk up and pet him, but as we got closer Caesar wanted to play.

We backed up a bit and saw this horse up the hill! I love horses! I miss going horseback riding, but I know I'll do it again eventually.

Our walk was about an hour long. As we were walking a few cars passed us by. I had to stop every time I heard a car coming so I could ground my feet just in case Shatzi's dog decided to chase the cars. What I thought was also different than back home was that every person that drove by smiled and waved at us!

As I was out on my walk of course thoughts of Schatzi and our situation floated in the back of my head. I tried my best not to let that get the best of me though. It is really a beautiful place to walk around. Quiet, cool, lots of trees, friendly people, etc. I really enjoyed myself. I wish that I could have shared that time with Schatzi.

-ALG

Actions Needed (day 3)

Hi again,

I had thought that by now Schatzi would have had plenty of time to realize he cheated on me and the ways he could attempt to make things better. I want apologies. Real meaningful heartfelt difficult to get through apologies. Do I get that? I think I may have gotten one or two. I know you're thinking well damn how many apologies does this woman need? If you have ever been cheated on and hurt this badly you would know that I need as many apologies as it takes for me to begin to forgive or get over his wrongful actions. Does he realize this? I doubt it. I think he feels that he has already said sorry for putting us into this no win situation and that that should be sufficient. Has he apologized for actually CHEATING on me? I don't believe so. Will he? I wonder the same thing.

I stayed in bed in the morning while he got ready for his day. He was sweet and offered to make me something for breakfast but to be honest I wasn't really hungry so I declined. I told him I was cold and if he would hand me the blanket on the floor. He picked it up and covered me which is more than what I asked for. A small act of affection like this has a huge impact on my mood and the progress.

While he was at work I decided I would do some house cleaning to try to keep my mind off of the nightmare of a reality he has created for me. I like to clean because it gives me a feeling of satisfaction. I also don't want his mom to come home to a dirty house. I did the dishes, swept the kitchen and bathroom, got on my hands and knees to scrub cabinets, cleaned the stove, wiped the fridge doors, vacuumed the living room and bedroom, and tried to clean the stool in the bathroom. I put together a Christmas tree! I have never done that before so it was fun.

I kept myself busy but I was feeling extra sweaty. Why not workout? I ran around the property for about an hour till his parents got home. Then I continued while I waited for Schatzi to get home. I tried not to expect too much from him. Of course when I saw him I felt like I could feel myself smiling from the inside. He didn't look too happy though. Apparently he had a bad day at work and I'm sure I was the last thing he wanted to come home to. We were supposed to go down the barn to workout with some weights and such, but I guess he didn't want to. I mean I understand because it was a rough day, but I was hoping he would have at least addressed it.


After our showers I got into bed feeling extremely neglected and unwanted. All I wanted to do was lay there and cry, but he managed to get me up saying we would go watch a movie so he could rub my back/shoulders (which I had asked him to do while he was at work). I was excited about that because who doesn't love to have their tense shoulders, neck, and back rubbed? A bit let down though because it seemed like he was only doing it because I had asked him too. Didn't last very long. I tried to give him a hint by moving his hand back to my shoulder, but didn't really work too well. So I just focused on the movie. Am I a brat for wanting him to let me lay on my front while he massaged my shoulders and whatever else hurt?

I may sound like a brat for expecting and wanting so much from him, but shouldn't he be wanting and trying to do everything he can to try to make things better before I walk out of his life forever on Sunday? I mean if he really loved me he wouldn't have hurt me in the first place, but if he regrets his decision to cheat on me I feel like he would be doing so much more. What happened to the gentleman I met two years ago? I know that if I had cheated on him he would have left me. No discussion, but he would just walk out. Seems like the logical thing to do. But I believe nearly everyone deserves a second chance. I guess I am learning that not everyone will be wanting to take the chance you give them. All it tells me is that I guess he really doesn't want me. He doesn't want to fix things. He doesn't care about the outcome. It's so strange to think that he doesn't care because I thought he loved me with everything he had left, but I think this was me all along trying to convince myself of things that weren't really there to begin with.

The past few days have been a real nightmare. I will tell you guys that last night he said something that I did believe. I felt he was sincere. I would have preferred he said this to my face with the lights on, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He told me he loves me and that he is sorry for putting us into this no win situation. He said that I was right that he should be doing what he can with the next two days we have together. I don't know if he realizes a lot can happen in two days. Especially when one of those two days he doesn't have to go to work.

Maybe it is wrong for me to think the way I have but he has two days and I know he is capable of making things better. The question is does he even want to? If he has no desire to make any improvements or offers then I wish he would have told me upfront. If that's how he feels then it's even worse that he has been dragging me through all this misery the last few days. Your actions should match your words in a relationship. Yes sometimes actions speak louder than words, but when you combine the two you can work wonders.

There's a way to patch up what he has done. I still have yet to make up my mind (which I am giving him till Sunday) but if he doesn't want to do it though I will have to walk away from everything and do my hardest to never look back.

-ALG