I should have posted about February' events back in February when things were full of happiness. The photos included in today's post are from February when Schatzi came to visit me. He had came down for a long weekend for us to spend time together and not have to worry about anything else. We went to Disneyland, watched hours of TV/movies, went out for breakfast/dinner, I got my ears pierced, and we simply enjoyed the other's company. We appeared to be a happy couple. Don't you think? I didn't know that that would be the last time I would see him.
Yes, the date above is the end. For the last few weeks now he had been acting a bit distant and off. I knew he had a lot on his plate and was making some personal changes that may have been a bit overwhelming and stressful at times. I did what I could from a distance. I tried to be supportive and positive as well as encouraging. I don't know where I went wrong or if I went wrong. What more could I have been doing? That is what I tend to ask myself. A few weeks back he had said some awfully hurtful things but after the alcohol was out and a few days passed he called to apologize. It felt like a genuine apology so I accepted it. We have never been the best when it came to communication, but we had been slowly working on getting better.
Back in February he and I agreed that I would come up in June and we would test out living together. Like any normal individual, I was extremely excited about not only seeing him again but moving forward with our relationship. After all, we have been discussing the prospect of moving for over a year. I was going to fly up and stay for six weeks. It may sound like a long time, but I figured it would go by rather quickly. I had started planning what recipes I would test out, where I wanted to check out for school and work, how Cesar and I would greet him outside the office, when to do laundry, to have the house cleaned before he came home, movies to watch, gardening activities, what to pack, etc. I had even began to purchase bathroom items I would be taking with me. I would have been there the day after my 21st birthday. Now I will be feeling much different, I imagine, on not only my birthday but the six weeks following.
Right, so what happened? On Thursday night Schatzi had told me he may be falling out of love with me. Once those words hit my ear I could feel something sink in my chest. I mean nobody wants to hear those words from someone they have loved for two years plus. It hurt immensely, but I didn't want to say anything without thinking. He said he wasn't sure why. He said he may be feeling that way due to the distance or the time. Both of which we have had plenty experience with before. I was having some difficulty with the time and distance, but I knew that I loved him dearly and in a few more weeks I would be in his arms again. He had told me he wasn't sure what to do and for me to let this all sink in before we would talk again the following night. And silly him even asked if maybe I wanted to watch the next Star Wars movie with him (which I did). A few hours passed after the phone call and the words finally really hit me. It hurt. I mean what more can I say? The pain kept me awake. How could he not know if he loves me? After all the things he had said and done. After everything we had gone through and had coming. I felt lied to and betrayed and hurt.
Friday came and when we finally spoke on the phone I knew it would be the end. He still said he didn't know what he wanted to do. He still didn't know how he felt. I told him I couldn't tell him how he was feeling and that only he could know. It didn't take very long into our conversation for the tears to start filling my eyes. It hurts when someone you unquestionably love tells you that they don't love you back. To be fair I don't think he ever said he didn't love me but just that he thought he was falling out of love with me and that he was unsure if he loved me or even could. The tears rolled down my cheeks with the steady pace of a leaky faucet. I had to tell him that I didn't want to be with someone that didn't love me. It hurt to say because I knew that I wanted to be with him, but why would I want to lie to myself or be lied to. I had thought things were going well and get even better come June. He said that this was the end and he wanted to breakup. I reminded him, not as a threat in any means, that if that was his choice that this would be the end. I guess he really did not love me though because he chose to breakup. He also informed me that all I was was something through the phone. (I knew this was our sole mode of communication, but only temporarily. In my mind I thought that would be changing very soon.) By this point my eyes were bloodshot and my vision was blurry. Not only did the words hurt me, but knowing I was losing my best friend. Not a minute went by in the last 2 years plus had gone by without my thinking about him. I worried about him, cared about him, supported him the best I could, offered help, etc. I had built a relationship with this individual that I really did not want to lose. It's very difficult to accept everything that has happened.
After getting off the phone I found it hard to breathe. He had said goodbye and I couldn't get any words out. I was in too much pain to say anything. I didn't want to believe any part of what had just occurred. Next thing I knew I was face first in the porcelain bowl. No I did not force myself to vomit. I think it was from how upset I was feeling. Vomiting is never a nice feeling. The tears didn't stop and the hyperventilating kicked in. I was so overwhelmed I found myself calling the emergency help line my therapist had given me years ago. The lady on the other end tried to assure me that everything would be okay and that I should not hurt myself if I felt the need to do so. I called my friend who tried to tell me that things would get better. I could hardly catch a breath between the sniffles and coughs. I called my boss to inform her that something had happened and I would not be able to make it to work the next day. I should have said the next two days.
It is still difficult to process and believe. I mean a few months ago this was what I saw. He said he loved me and would give this relationship everything. He had apologized for some things in the past and said we would look toward the future. He said I made him happy. I mean I felt happy. I am having a hard time getting through my days. I have the same feeling when I wake up as I did during depression. My dreams are filled with him and it hurts every hour I wake. I usually wish I never woke up. Eating is a bit unstable. I often find myself trying to find any reason to stay out of bed at night in fear of the thoughts and dreams that would fill my mind. I am scared to be left alone. I think I may finally be able to relate to his watching TV while falling asleep. It may be nothing near his reasons, but these are just my thoughts and my own reasons. When I finally force myself to bed I plug into YouTube. In a way I am not so alone. I try to focus only on the vlogs thus taking the focus off my life and pain. Between videos I find my mind being bombarded with thoughts and fear. It's scary. So for the last few nights I have been falling asleep to YouTube videos and waking up from good and bad dreams both resulting in the same feelings.
I now find myself rather lost and alone. I am confused and in a lot of pain. I have no clue what I am going to do about the six weeks off. Although one of the jobs I have won't have to worry about giving me the time off.
I have read about what to do after a breakup. Oddly enough I had planned to do some of the things on the lists. I am getting my hair professionally colored next Friday, which I now won't be able to share with him. I am getting my nails done by my coworker this Wednesday. I will also be getting a much needed massage next Friday (way too long to wait but oh well). I am considering a small trip. To where? I have no clue yet. I guess after the summer it will be time to get back to being a normal person and going to college. Who knows.
This may all sound stupid, but just let me vent. Part of me still thinks that he will magically show up realizing this isn't what he wants. Yes, I am aware that he won't be doing this because why would you if you don't love the person? So every time I hear a car pull up outside I hold my breath but also tell myself not to get so excited. Any time my phone goes off I think it is him. Of course it's usually just an email or a text from my friend checking up on me or my mom letting me know she will be home soon. Part of me wants to turn back time and tell him to take some time to get his feelings sorted out and we would figure this out together come June. But that won't be happening either unless someone has created time travel. No, nobody?
I miss him. I miss hearing his voice. I miss seeing his face and his always changing hair on FaceTime. I miss looking at my phone and seeing his name. I miss being able to complain about my day to him. I miss being able to share things. I find myself thinking and or saying out loud to myself "I miss him" or "it hurts" or "I just don't understand". I feel like some depressed action figure. I really do not want to fall back into depression. I'm trying not to let myself go back, but it's harder than you'd think. I did not like how I felt last year, but it looks like round two may be coming. Probably a good thing I am still not 21 yet. For now I resort to watching TV with my mom, cuddling the dog, and hugging myself. Sounds dumb but I do hug myself. More like dig my nails into my arms and pull but whatever works. I try not to burst into tears around other people, but it's proving to be a difficult task. Can't be wearing glasses for the rest of my life or looking like a hobo.
Plans have changed and time won't stop. I'm being dragged along every hour of the day. What's worse is that I think my brain still thinks come June I will be up north. My brain also likes to make me think he isn't talking to me because he's busy at work or asleep. For now I will let my brain do what it needs to. Even if that means lying to myself.
-ALG
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