Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Is It Excessive?

Hi guys,

I had another therapy session this morning and I definitely needed it. I can't say that therapy helps me a ton, but my therapist is a nonbiased individual that may be able to help me with my tornado of a life. Most of my sessions are about Schatzi, school, and family. The last few have been focused on what happened with the relationship Schatzi and I had as well as what I should be thinking about.

If you don't know, I am always with my phone. Not as much lately, but I am usually always with my phone. I like to be able to take photos whenever I want and also it takes the place of a watch. When I am in a relationship I like to talk to the person. In this past relationship it was a good 85% long distance. In my head that meant all we had was our phones. You know, phone calls, FaceTime, and texting. Instant communication unlike the other option of mail. Although I did enjoy receiving letters. I thought talking throughout the day when time allowed was a way to show how much I cared and wanted to be involved. Turns out it may have simply been too excessive. I don't want to make up a bunch of excuses but I am used to always texting my partner through the day. I see where my therapist is coming from when he said texting five different times a day can be seen as excessive. It's just hard to stay away or not share something exciting right? Maybe I was too much. I need to learn to cut back.

I also told my therapist about my grandma, what she said, and how it made me feel. He told me that I need to focus on myself and what is best for me. I know doing nails makes me happy and I was feeling fine about that aspect of my life before she spoke to me. She has a huge impact on my life and I believe it has to do with how giving she was when I was younger. My grandparents have saved and given me a lot of money for college and I think that is a big part of why I feel guilty that I am not in college. It's not like I am spending that money, but it isn't being used. My therapist told me that I probably feel like I am being placed under a microscope where everyone wants to know my every move to scrutinize me. Of course there are other reasons why they want to know, but that is how I feel. It's as if they are waiting for me to step out of line or mess up again. This part of therapy hit me hard because I feel like that may have been what I have done to Schatzi in the past without even knowing so. I feel guilty for possibly treating someone in a similar fashion to how I do not appreciate being treated. I hope to never make that mistake again.

A relatively positive aspect of my visit today was when my therapist told me he's noticed over the months that I am very good at logically reasoning out situations. I tend to take a situation and logically reason both sides. Now whether I want to admit both sides or not is a totally different story. He said I may do this act of logical reasoning to push away the problem at hand. I took this to mean I turn to logic to avoid facing my feelings. I mean who wants to be experiencing any negative feeling?

I have almost four weeks to m next session to give this session some thought and decide what I would like to work on next. I basically have a lot to think about.

-ALG

Monday, May 30, 2016

Do You Like Your Job?

Hi again guys,

I hope you can excuse my absence. It's been a while ride. Randomly my work decided to give me today off which is odd because I always work Mondays. The original plan for the weekend was to invite Schatzi in hopes that he would be crazy enough to drive down two weekends in a row so we could hang out and have a small BBQ. Needless to say, that did not happen. my grandparents ended up coming over today. (Why must bad things always occur right before I have to see my grandparents?)

Seeing your grandparents should be a pleasant experience right? Normally it is, but for the last couple of years that has not been the case. After dinner today my grandma and I took the baby for a walk. I knew it was a bad idea to be alone with my grandma, but  I couldn't really avoid it. She asked me three times if I like my job. I know she was hoping my answer would magically change, but I kept telling her the same answer. I told her I love what I do but I just don't like all my coworkers. At least this time she didn't refer to my job as "that trade" again.

Since I left LensCrafters I only work four days a week instead of six days a week. This was supposed to be good for the relationship Schatzi and I had. I am still in the process of increasing my days at the salon so we will have to see how that works out. My grandma picked up on my working four days a week now and decided to ask me if I would be able to rent my own apartment and take care of myself. Of course I can't. Thank you for that lovely reminder. I get the point she was trying to make and I know she wants me to hurry up and go back to school, but I will go when I go. It really hurt me when she asked if I could basically afford life. To be honest it made me feel like $*@!. I know that I enjoy being a nail technician. I also know that I am proud of myself, even if it's hidden deep down inside, for pursuing my license as well as paying for it all on my own. That accomplishment is something that nobody can take away from me. Yet it is seen as next to nothing. It hurts. I wish that they could be more understanding of how I feel and what I have done over the last few years. I understand I am not their model first grandchild that they want to brag about, but I am still their grandchild.

As if that wasn't bad enough I was reminded that if I don't go to school I will need to pay rent to live at home. Which is fine, but every time it feels like a bit of a threat. Go to school or else you'll have to pay. Do you guys get what I am saying? Also I recently went to the dentist and was told I have four small cavities. I almost always have new cavities popping up. Many years ago it was due to me being too lazy or stubborn to floss or brush enough, but I brush with a regular toothbrush twice a day, brush with an electric toothbrush once a day, and floss once a day. I don't know what else I can do to prevent cavities. I even asked my dentist and he just shrugged. Turns out my dad wants me to pay for my fillings. I guess that is fair, but the thing is I had to hear it from my mom instead of directly through him.

I'm sorry guys. I just don't know who to talk to right now. I'm allowing my grandma's words to really get to me and it's suffocating me. That may have just been the straw that broke the camel's back. I'll be back at the salon tomorrow and I hope that reminds me how much I enjoy what I do. Even if I can't live on my own.

-ALG

Thursday, May 12, 2016

First Acrylic Set

Hi guys,

I am currently having a bit of trouble typing. These nails are definitely making this more difficult than it should be, but maybe I'll be a pro by the end of this post. Well lets start from the beginning of my day. I decided to try to make up for some lost calories by eating  a decent breakfast. Not too bad for leftover muffin and potatoes. You know what I want? I would very much like breakfast in bed. I was hoping for that at some point this summer but looks like I may need to wait a lot longer.

Work was alright. My first client was the lady that will be doing my hair this Friday. I can't wait for Friday. I had an early break and treated myself to an ice cream bar along with the green beans and edamame beans I packed. Not sure if I ate something bad yesterday (I mean it's not like I ate all that much) but I was not feeling well at all today. I was extremely uncomfortable for the majority of my day. I had a no show and two cancellations. That took me down to only two clients. I wish I had clients to keep my mind off of my ex boyfriend. Lots of down time was filled with trying not to let missing him show or make me cry. I wonder what he's up to these days. He's probably enjoying not having to be attached to his phone all day because of me.

Toward the end of my shift my coworker gave me a two hour lesson while doing my nails. This is my first ever acrylic full set. I guess it's a good thing that the Schatzi broke up with me because I don't think he cared for the long nails. That's them after shaping but before polish. Long huh? Not sure if I will be able to function at work but I guess I will find out tomorrow. I enjoyed getting my nails done because sitting there gave me a bit to relax.

I do this every night since the breakup. When I drive home and up the street to the house part of me expects to see Schatzi's car to be outside. Or even Schatzi leaning on his car with flowers waiting for me. Why does my brain expect these things to happen when I know darn well he won't be there? Who knows how long until I stop thinking such crazy thoughts. Hopefully soon because it really sucks every time I pull up and he isn't there. I guess he really doesn't want me.

I should probably hit the sack because tomorrow looks like a long day. I'll attempt to take a decent photo of my nails tomorrow. They're dark which makes them hard to photograph. Well, morning now.

-ALG

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

You're Too Smart To Be Here

Hello again guys,

Was about to say evening, but it is now a few past midnight. I went to work yesterday even though I would have rather curled up in bed watching movies and eating junk food. Oh man I am a genius. I just realized my computer's clock isn't adjusted for the time change soooo it is actually still evening. Sigh. I went to work yesterday and oddly enough it was decently busy for a Monday. My very generous tipper client came in for her gel pedicure. She's very sweet and I may envy her life. Just a little. I mean she always goes out with her friends for lunch, comes in for expensive mani pedis, worries about matching all her fancy expensive outfits, goes to get her hair done, takes the boat out on the weekends, etc. I am very grateful that she tips well. She liked to ask about me and my boyfriend so when I told her he broke up with me she said she was sorry etc. I told her maybe I would go back to school and get an office job. That's when she leaned in close and told me I was too smart to be at the salon. Which is a compliment but it made me stop and think about what I am doing, more like not doing with my life. I need a real job.

As for today it was meh. When I got to work they were playing sad music all day long. Perfect right? Luckily I had an almost full book. The not so nice thing was that I was scheduled my 5kd (meaning 10 nail art design) client at six for a gel mani 5kd at 6 when I was supposed to be off at 7. A regular no design gel mani takes an hour so you can imagine how confused I was when I saw someone had scheduled this. That particular client usually takes at least two hours! I kept myself busy by running around the salon completing chores. I try to get lost in my work when I do nails. I tried to keep my mind off of Schatzi but it was really hard. I tried not to let my clients know that I was starting to cry right in front of them. My friend got off work and waited over an hour for me to lunch. She's so sweet and I'm glad she is being supportive right now. Lunch being my meal of the day I ate a few slices of apple, a handful of green beans, and gave in to sharing a pretzel.

After lunch I had a no show so I did more chores. I was feeling down again. Even thinking maybe he would walk in any moment and it would be like one of those super cheesy scenes in those unrealistic romance movies. Of course it didn't happen and I just have to keep reminding myself he won't be coming down here again. Unless it's for reasons other than me of course. My final client came in and I am so glad I got to see her today. She always tests my skills and creativity. Today we decided to do loose glitter, marble nails, 3d acrylic flowers, and Swarovski crystals.I love that she lets me do whatever I want with her nails. I wish I had more clients like her. Normally I would be super excited to share the results with Schatzi, but I can't now. I hope you guys enjoy seeing my art though. Took a long time. Let's just say I was at work for over ten hours today.


My body is killing me though. Everything aches. My shoulders, upper and lower back, neck, legs, and even my bones. I don't know why. Could be from all the crying and lack of sleep. More like difficulty sleeping. It could be from work as well but I will pretend it is from working out. I have been using 10 lb weights for a week now. I know it's not much, but it's a big step and accomplishment for me. I wanted to get up to 10 lb because Schatzi's smallest weights are 10lbs. I was planning on working out up there so I had to get strong enough for that, but yeaa now it's not an issue.

Sorry this post is so long, but the lady on the emergency line did say writing can help. Thank goodness I am getting my massage this week. I needed a long hot bath, but my period is preventing that. Perfect timing everything. Attempting to be thinking of positives, I am getting a two hour nail lesson with my coworker tomorrow as he does my nails. Free nails plus learning sounds good to me! Nervous about having acrylics, but we will see how it turns out. I am exhausted in many ways and I think the lack of food, water, and sleep are hitting me so I will say good night now. I feel like it'll be another difficult night's sleep.

-ALG

Monday, May 9, 2016

May 6th 2016

Hey guys,
I should have posted about February' events back in February when things were full of happiness. The photos included in today's post are from February when Schatzi came to visit me. He had came down for a long weekend for us to spend time together and not have to worry about anything else. We went to Disneyland, watched hours of TV/movies, went out for breakfast/dinner, I got my ears pierced, and we simply enjoyed the other's company. We appeared to be a happy couple. Don't you think? I didn't know that that would be the last time I would see him.

Yes, the date above is the end. For the last few weeks now he had been acting a bit distant and off. I knew he had a lot on his plate and was making some personal changes that may have been a bit overwhelming and stressful at times. I did what I could from a distance. I tried to be supportive and positive as well as encouraging. I don't know where I went wrong or if I went wrong. What more could I have been doing? That is what I tend to ask myself. A few weeks back he had said some awfully hurtful things but after the alcohol was out and a few days passed he called to apologize. It felt like a genuine apology so I accepted it. We have never been the best when it came to communication, but we had been slowly working on getting better. 

Back in February he and I agreed that I would come up in June and we would test out living together. Like any normal individual, I was extremely excited about not only seeing him again but moving forward with our relationship. After all, we have been discussing the prospect of moving for over a year. I was going to fly up and stay for six weeks. It may sound like a long time, but I figured it would go by rather quickly. I had started planning what recipes I would test out, where I wanted to check out for school and work, how Cesar and I would greet him outside the office, when to do laundry, to have the house cleaned before he came home, movies to watch, gardening activities, what to pack, etc. I had even began to purchase bathroom items I would be taking with me. I would have been there the day after my 21st birthday. Now I will be feeling much different, I imagine, on not only my birthday but the six weeks following.

Right, so what happened? On Thursday night Schatzi had told me he may be falling out of love with me. Once those words hit my ear I could feel something sink in my chest. I mean nobody wants to hear those words from someone they have loved for two years plus. It hurt immensely, but I didn't want to say anything without thinking. He said he wasn't sure why. He said he may be feeling that way due to the distance or the time. Both of which we have had plenty experience with before. I was having some difficulty with the time and distance, but I knew that I loved him dearly and in a few more weeks I would be in his arms again. He had told me he wasn't sure what to do and for me to let this all sink in before we would talk again the following night. And silly him even asked if maybe I wanted to watch the next Star Wars movie with him (which I did). A few hours passed after the phone call and the words finally really hit me. It hurt. I mean what more can I say? The pain kept me awake. How could he not know if he loves me? After all the things he had said and done. After everything we had gone through and had coming. I felt lied to and betrayed and hurt. 

Friday came and when we finally spoke on the phone I knew it would be the end. He still said he didn't know what he wanted to do. He still didn't know how he felt. I told him I couldn't tell him how he was feeling and that only he could know. It didn't take very long into our conversation for the tears to start filling my eyes. It hurts when someone you unquestionably love tells you that they don't love you back. To be fair I don't think he ever said he didn't love me but just that he thought he was falling out of love with me and that he was unsure if he loved me or even could. The tears rolled down my cheeks with the steady pace of a leaky faucet. I had to tell him that I didn't want to be with someone that didn't love me. It hurt to say because I knew that I wanted to be with him, but why would I want to lie to myself or be lied to. I had thought things were going well and get even better come June. He said that this was the end and he wanted to breakup. I reminded him, not as a threat in any means, that if that was his choice that this would be the end. I guess he really did not love me though because he chose to breakup. He also informed me that all I was was something through the phone. (I knew this was our sole mode of communication, but only temporarily. In my mind I thought that would be changing very soon.) By this point my eyes were bloodshot and my vision was blurry. Not only did the words hurt me, but knowing I was losing my best friend. Not a minute went by in the last 2 years plus had gone by without my thinking about him. I worried about him, cared about him, supported him the best I could, offered help, etc. I had built a relationship with this individual that I really did not want to lose. It's very difficult to accept everything that has happened.

After getting off the phone I found it hard to breathe. He had said goodbye and I couldn't get any words out. I was in too much pain to say anything. I didn't want to believe any part of what had just occurred. Next thing I knew I was face first in the porcelain bowl. No I did not force myself to vomit. I think it was from how upset I was feeling. Vomiting is never a nice feeling. The tears didn't stop and the hyperventilating kicked in. I was so overwhelmed I found myself calling the emergency help line my therapist had given me years ago. The lady on the other end tried to assure me that everything would be okay and that I should not hurt myself if I felt the need to do so. I called my friend who tried to tell me that things would get better. I could hardly catch a breath between the sniffles and coughs. I called my boss to inform her that something had happened and I would not be able to make it to work the next day. I should have said the next two days.

It is still difficult to process and believe. I mean a few months ago this was what I saw. He said he loved me and would give this relationship everything. He had apologized for some things in the past and said we would look toward the future. He said I made him happy. I mean I felt happy. I am having a hard time getting through my days. I have the same feeling when I wake up as I did during depression. My dreams are filled with him and it hurts every hour I wake. I usually wish I never woke up. Eating is a bit unstable. I often find myself trying to find any reason to stay out of bed at night in fear of the thoughts and dreams that would fill my mind. I am scared to be left alone. I think I may finally be able to relate to his watching TV while falling asleep. It may be nothing near his reasons, but these are just my thoughts and my own reasons. When I finally force myself to bed I plug into YouTube. In a way I am not so alone. I try to focus only on the vlogs thus taking the focus off my life and pain. Between videos I find my mind being bombarded with thoughts and fear. It's scary. So for the last few nights I have been falling asleep to YouTube videos and waking up from good and bad dreams both resulting in the same feelings.

I now find myself rather lost and alone. I am confused and in a lot of pain. I have no clue what I am going to do about the six weeks off. Although one of the jobs I have won't have to worry about giving me the time off.

I have read about what to do after a breakup. Oddly enough I had planned to do some of the things on the lists. I am getting my hair professionally colored next Friday, which I now won't be able to share with him. I am getting my nails done by my coworker this Wednesday. I will also be getting a much needed massage next Friday (way too long to wait but oh well). I am considering a small trip. To where? I have no clue yet. I guess after the summer it will be time to get back to being a normal person and going to college. Who knows.

This may all sound stupid, but just let me vent. Part of me still thinks that he will magically show up realizing this isn't what he wants. Yes, I am aware that he won't be doing this because why would you if you don't love the person? So every time I hear a car pull up outside I hold my breath but also tell myself not to get so excited. Any time my phone goes off I think it is him. Of course it's usually just an email or a text from my friend checking up on me or my mom letting me know she will be home soon. Part of me wants to turn back time and tell him to take some time to get his feelings sorted out and we would figure this out together come June. But that won't be happening either unless someone has created time travel. No, nobody? 

I miss him. I miss hearing his voice. I miss seeing his face and his always changing hair on FaceTime. I miss looking at my phone and seeing his name. I miss being able to complain about my day to him. I miss being able to share things. I find myself thinking and or saying out loud to myself "I miss him" or "it hurts" or "I just don't understand". I feel like some depressed action figure. I really do not want to fall back into depression. I'm trying not to let myself go back, but it's harder than you'd think. I did not like how I felt last year, but it looks like round two may be coming. Probably a good thing I am still not 21 yet. For now I resort to watching TV with my mom, cuddling the dog, and hugging myself. Sounds dumb but I do hug myself. More like dig my nails into my arms and pull but whatever works. I try not to burst into tears around other people, but it's proving to be a difficult task. Can't be wearing glasses for the rest of my life or looking like a hobo.

Plans have changed and time won't stop. I'm being dragged along every hour of the day. What's worse is that I think my brain still thinks come June I will be up north. My brain also likes to make me think he isn't talking to me because he's busy at work or asleep. For now I will let my brain do what it needs to. Even if that means lying to myself.

-ALG